Dreading Tomorrow

You may remember me mentioning that I was confused as to whether one of the Fertile Four is a fertile friend or a fertile foe. (If you are questioning the definition try reading The Conception Chronicles. I found the book to be very funny and it echoes many thoughts that have run through my mind.) Well I have to see her tomorrow. Actually John and I are meeting her, her DH and their 15 month old son for lunch.

[Pause for a vent: That stupid EPT commercial just came on. "I can't concentrate. Could I be pregnant?" That commercial annoys the heck out of me.]

So why the confusion? Well its kind of complicated and I'm not sure I can communicate some of the undertones with words, but I'll try.

Some background:

This girl and I became friends because our husbands have been best friends since birth. She talked with me about TTC when the began to try for the first time. I was one of the first to know when they succeeded on their 2nd cycle. I was so happy for them. I dreamed along with her, bought her books to say "congrats" and just enjoyed talking about it with her.

Unfortunately, she miscarried at 10 or 11 weeks. Her spotting started at my house. She had a rough time and I just tried to give her space. She's generally a very private person. I tried to be available, but I didn't want to pressure her either. When they started trying again, I knew they were trying, but we never talked about it. I think it took them about 5 cycles. She told me when they were 7 - 8 weeks along, after having an ultrasound.

She was well aware when we started trying and that my cycles were all messed up. Back in December, I actually asked her if they had set a time to start trying again, as I knew they wanted their children fairly close and her DH had been saying he was ready. She was vague and was like "sometime in the next few months." In actuality, she was already trying and was probably pregnant at that moment. "They just didn't think it would happen that soon" I heard later from my husband. Why didn't she give me the courtesy of a warning? Like "we just started trying actually" or "well we are trying now."

So on Superbowl Sunday John and I were supposed to go to their house. John went up and I stayed home and worked some for awhile with the intention of meeting them there later. He called and said another girl had canceled and so our friend was going to go over to her mom's with her son if I was not coming. I decided to stay home. When DH came home, he told me they were pregnant - 10 or 11 weeks. I cried. I had just learned the day before about my best friend being pregnant and it was just too much for one weekend. They had an ultrasound picture on the fridge and they told him.

One would think this girl would call me to tell me herself, but she didn't. The very next weekend we were to celebrate this girl's 30th birthday at Dave & Buster's with several other couples. We are sitting there in one of the restaurant areas eating and I was talking to a friend of ours. All of a sudden the girl's DH interrupts everyone and loudly says "Hey Krista, ask "A" why she's drinking water!" I was so caught off guard and felt so in the spotlight. All I could blurt out was "Oh I already know." A moment passes and I say "Congratulations" but I don't think they heard me. It was loud in there. I had been prepared for her to pull me off to the side and tell me, or tell me in a quieter moment, but not there in the center of attention.

Much of the rest of evening, couples were going off and doing their own thing together, playing games and stuff. So there really was not a whole lot of interaction between her and I. Some. It felt uncomfortable and awkward to me. She never said anything to me that night about hoping it would be our time soon, or that she was sorry that her DH had been less than compassionate when telling me. Not there, or later. No phone call. No email. Nothing.

The next time they asked us to get together was the day I got my period again. John didn't even ask me, but told them I wasn't feeling well. He had avoided them for several weeks actually just saying I was really busy at work, which was true. I just feel like if this girl cannot be honest with me about things in her life and if she cannot understand that I might need a bit of sensitivity, that she might not really be a true friend.

What if she (heaven forbid) had miscarried again without ever telling me she was pregnant and then I got pregnant and was bursting with joy all over the place. I wouldn't have known that she would have needed me to be sensitive and considerate towards her. What if I had gotten my period that day of the party and I had burst into tears in front of everyone at the bold announcement to me (everyone else knew the news)? Its not like they don't know we are struggling with fertility issues.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I hope it goes okay. At least I'm past ovulation and in a place in my cycle where there is a bit of hope. That helps some.

I just wish I knew what this girl is really thinking and whether she's a true friend or not. It's not worth the effort to put work into this friendship if it is going to be one-sided with me doing all of the sharing and being open with her, but her just not giving much back. I'm so glad I have no doubts about loyal friendship of the other three members of the Fertile Four.