Insiders

I thought I should probably share who knows what we are up to and what our plans are. Obviously, you readers know. I've told my parents and I told mom she could tell my aunt who is her BFF if she felt she needed to, but that I didn't want the rest of the family to know. Robyn knows because I may need her help with shots and I think she was really hurt that her own sister did not tell her when she battled IF for years and did IVF. My boss knows because I felt it was necessary to explain all my short notice time off requests. John has one person at his work that knows too. That's it I think.

We aren't telling his parents for now. I just don't want to deal with FIL's questions and emotions about it. If it becomes unavoidable, I guess we'll have to tell them.

Results? I don't know what to do. I will be posting about any failures for sure, because I'd be posting about moving on to whatever is next. I also will surely need to vent out the emotions that would come along with BFN's. It is a success that I'm uncertain of. You see, while I have not had a miscarriage, I am quite aware of the reality and the probabilities. I know that many of our loved ones could be a great support in the face of such events, but I also don't want B to face that reality at this age. What it boils down to is this; If we succeed (and I pray we do) then I kind of want to keep it a secret from his parents and B until we are more assured about the stability of the pregnancy.

You see my FIL told people well before he was supposed to the last time around, even though we specifically asked him not to. He cried everytime he saw me, for weeks - for real. I cannot tell them and expect that B will not find out or become concerned by his actions. BUT, how can I tell you all and NOT tell them? That is my quandry. With B we told all our parents before I posted anything here. I've even critcized how Looney Bin put info out there on facebook that they had not told my parents. I think it would be very unfair to tell my parents and not tell his, but mine know and so surely my mom will ask me at some point....

So many people tell their little kids right away that they are expecting and to them it feels right and may be no big deal. A friend's son was very upset by his friend talking about his mom's miscarriage or threatened miscarriage. It was too much for his tender heart. I'm not sure B would be as affected as he was, but I do know she would talk about it. She talks about everything on her mind with anyone she happens to be with at the time. What if she has a friend who she shares that kind of news with whose mother gets as upset about it as my friend did? I don't want to be the cause of trauma to anyone, not my own child and certainly not other children either.

I also get that life is a risk. We are not in control and we are never certain what the next day holds, not 6 weeks pregnant, not 38 weeks pregnant, not with a newborn in your arms or a 5 year old. Each moment could be the last, for anyone. So will we share right away or wait should we have good news? I'm still debating.