Freshly Reopened

Possibly major Triggers in below post.

Back when I was pregnant my mamaw (grandmother) really hurt my feelings, several different times. She told me right off when I said I was pregnant (after my early ultrasound) that she did not want to see any ultrasound pictures or videos. That she didn't like them and didn't want to see them. When I went home, I cried about it and remembered that she had said the same thing to my brother with each of his children. I don't know if they were upset about or not, but since they told me about it, I'm assuming they were hurt at least on some level. She went over this again later when I had my big ultrasound and I cried off and on for two days about how cold it was.

With all that went on with my SIL and my brother, I felt like she didn't give me the benefit of the doubt, and downplayed every situation that came up with them. I even asked her for help to move and she wouldn't help me. That was very painful. She had rented them the house next door to mine and then wouldn't help me get away from them - saying that they wanted to move anyways and just to wait it out. It was very discouraging.

Then at my baby shower she made sure to say that she didn't want to be called until the baby was fresh and clean and smelled like baby powder. She went on to say that she didn't want to see any pictures of the baby before she was cleaned up. I found this all to be ridiculous.

These things really, really burt my feelings and made me feel like my pregnancy was not something worth embracing. Like the only thing that mattered was the end result of a healthy, pink, clean squirming baby. Of course, that was my goal, but what if I hadn't got there? What if something had gone wrong? The ultrasounds would have been my only tangible, visible proof that there had been this growing, baby with a beating heart ALIVE inside me. Anyone who would decline to look at them would have never seen that baby girl at all had the pregnancy ended. Or what about those babies that die soon after birth? My sister - my mom's first baby - died 3 hours after being born prematurely. I don't know how my mamaw was with my mom then - and I'm not going to ask my mom. I can imagine if she had said something like that to her, it would have been devastating.

I'm wiling to admit that I might be overreacting here a bit, but I sincerely had a very strong reaction to my mamaw saying these things to me. It stung. In fact, I pulled away from her. I distanced myself some. Now she makes me feel bad by calling herself a stranger whenever she sees B. I am a mom of a two year-old who works full time outside the home with a husband who works a lot of hours, and works second shift to boot. My life is busy and my weekends are precious for family time. I'm sorry I can't just run out to all my extended relatives house every week or even every month. I just don't have the time or the energy.

So on Saturday, I went to dinner with two of my aunts, my mom, my grandparents and B. One of my cousins is expecting their first child. My mamaw says to all of us again, to make sure that everyone knows she does not want to see any of those ultrasound pictures or stuff like that. I went off. It was like I was right back there at 23 weeks pregnant and hearing those same words. "You really need to stop saying that everytime someone is pregnant. You don't have to like the ultrasound pictures but you don't have to announce it everyone."

"So what do I do when they shove them right under my eyes?"

"Just look at them for a second and avert your gaze and say 'That's nice' that's all you need to do."

Then others pipe in saying she doesn't even like to look in people's mouths or anything. I'm thinking so what. An ultrasound picture is black and white and if you didn't know what you were looking at, you can't hardly discern much about them. It's not like they are bloody, gooey, pictures of the inside of my guts.

"When you say that to pregnant women, it's rude and hurtful and they are emotional enough already. You need to stop!"

Then my mom is giving me the look that says I need to shut up - which I did - but I was just on fire about it.

I told her I was sorry for getting all worked up, but that I had indeed cried all day after she said that to me and I didn't want my cousins to face the same fate. She did remind me of something I had said that hurt her feelings like 20 years ago and that she told me it hurt her feelings and that this was the same thing. She wouldn't say it anymore now that she knew. In the parking lot she says to my aunt who had never had children and had to have a hysterectomy that she was sad all of her kids were becoming grandmothers and she was glad, that this aunt wasn't. OMG! My aunt just said that she was sad she wasn't. I piped up to remind her that she is a GREAT aunt.

What I didn't say to my mamaw is that I pulled away from her as a direct result of these things that happened when I was pregnant and her little comments about being a stranger and never seeing B since. I didn't say that I defended her on numerous occasions to my brother and SIL and then later felt the sting enough myself that I pretty much stopped doing that. I still love her. I just find it hard to be with her, when I get my feelings hurt so much.