What do I Say?

Last night when I got the mail, I saw my grandmother's handwriting immediately. My heart was in my throat. Part of me didn't even want to read it. I did open the note and read it. While she asks me to forgive her for hurting all of the family, she never says that she is sorry for making that choice.

It confirms that the reason she did not make an exception to the original invitation was to be "fair" to my brother's family. This is what really bothers me though. My SIL had already said she was not coming. In most families I honestly believe an exception would have been made for someone who could not obtain other childcare and had misunderstood the invitation. However, because my SIL is straight-up-crazy, no one wants to risk setting her off. So it was chosen that rather than possibly make her angry, I should be excluded and have my feelings hurt. Mind you, my grandmother knew I was upset at noon, and could have thought about it and changed her mind in time for us to join them at 2pm. She chose not to.

I have felt over and over again that people in the family expect me to take the high road, for me to deal with my own hurts without complaint, for me to be the one who is either expected to gracefully bow-out, or be excluded without making a fuss and ultimately to never react to what this woman does. They never expect much out of SIL and go out of their way so as not to offend her. Do they not understand that she will pick anything at any family function apart and hold it against them later? Why go out of their way so much when it really makes no difference in the end? Why not let me be a true part of my family's celebrations and just let her deal with it, or not come if she can't? Why can't she be in that position sometimes too? Why is it always me?

My grandparents took no regard for my feelings when they rented the house next door to mine to my brother (we owned ours). When Mamaw told me she had offered to them, she could see my distress but said it was done, she had already offered it and they needed a better place to live. No apologies. I was expected to suck it up, and I did. I never complained about it again to them. Fast-forward 4ish years to May 2006 when all hell broke loose with SIL. My grandparents never really believed this whole thing with SIL was as serious as my mom did. I was not allowed to see, speak to or even acknowledge my nieces and nephew who lived next door to me. I was pregnant and SIL had made threats that she wanted to hurt me - even to kill me. My own mother took me to the police station to see if I could get a restraining order against SIL. I had to miss a family vacation trip to a cousin's graduation, so that it would not be ruined. I was scared. I was hurt. I wanted my baby growing inside me to be safe. I swallowed my pride and went and asked my grandparents for monetary help to move and they flat out turned me down within minutes of me asking.

No one will call this woman out for her bad behavior or tell David flat out that she is sick and he MUST get her help. No one will tell her that her accusations of towards me involve my actions/words being grossly taken out of context and warped into something ridiculously evil. I never spent my day plotting her demise, or fixating on manipulating everyone into hating her. Who has time for that? I have a life. She had time for that kind of thing though, and she put her insane ramblings on paper AND gave it to my parents.

What it all boils down to is this - how long will people tip-toe around her - even when it clearly hurts me? Will no one defend me? Will no one draw a line and say enough is enough?

I don't even know how to respond to my grandmother. I need to find a way to do that, but I just don't know the right words to convey it in a reasonably respectful manner. I actually told my grandmother on Sunday when she came to my car that I did not want to talk about it right then, that I was too angry. - I had to. My emotions were too high. They probably still are.

How? What words? Do I even say it? Do I let it drop as it feels I'm always expected to do?