You can take a girl off a Rollercoaster....

You can take a girl off a rollercoaster, but can you take the spirit of the ride out of the girl? I don't know if you can. The TTC Rollercoaster is a consuming thing for me. I’m not officially TTCing right now, but truth be told, part of me would like to be. My mind is often wandering there already, too often, probably. Honestly, I'm not sure the desire to be pregnant and give birth again will ever truly leave me. Right now it is really hard to push the thoughts out of my head, since we do want another child in our family.

As I’ve said here before, while we are not trying, we aren’t really doing much to prevent either. I’d be thrilled if we ended up pregnant without focused on trying, but I’m content if we aren’t for now too. I’m not going to be upset until we’ve focused on TTCing awhile without success, and we don’t plan on starting that up again until around late summer 2009. In 2 cycles, out of 11 total thus far the timing was dead on, just by coincidence. So assuming everything is okay (which it may or may not be) there was a decent chance at getting pregnant those two cycles. Last July/August I didn’t test. I did set a date that I would test on, if AF did not show, but she did. This January, I guess I was more hopeful. I did test. Nada. AF arrived yesterday.

I’m not mad. I’m not sad. I’m not frustrated. I’m not really worried that I’ll never conceive again (not at this point, though I certainly know that is always a possibility). I did not cry or scream. It’s not like that. It was the second month out of eleven where the timing happened to be right base upon my cycle data. It was just a chance. With that said, there is nothing like a glimmer of hope and a pregnant best friend to put the bug to test in a POASaholic’s brain. – Well that and finding a sealed, recently expired test in the way back of the linen closet. As any POAS addict would do, I peed on it, early of course. Understandably, no matter what the test had said, I wouldn’t have believed it was reliable because it was expired. So I had to buy another to confirm that the result was completely and definitively BFN before taking any medication on Friday for the whole painful-maybe-gallbladder-thing.

I guess I just thought it would be cool to be pregnant with my best friend again this time around. I guess I miss the baby things that are now gone from my family. I guess I was secretly hoping all along this last year that we’d never have to actually focus on TTC at all, but it would happen sooner without me pushing my own agenda.

I know it would be best to make a job change without any extra changes that pregnancy will bring. I’m going to do my best to stop daydreaming about TTCing and getting pregnant with a sibling for B until afterwards. In all likelihood I’m going to have to get up at strange hours to BD during the week if we really want to TTC effectively with John and I on different shifts. For now, I’ll sleep. There will come a time when the desire for another baby will be enough motivation to change that.