Funerals and Freak Shows

We honored the memory of my great aunt Anna today. Anna was probably one of the most inlfuential people in instilling a love of animals in me. She never had children, but she loved her nieces, nephews and her dogs. I remember going to her house with my Mamaw often. I looked forward to that stop in our day because it meant I could play with Mitzi. Mitzi was Anna's miniature poodle. She always had her toenails painted and bows in on her ears. I had never seen such a thing in my little hometown at the time, and as a 5 year old girl, it was impressive to me. Anna was thrilled when we moved in next door to her and she was even more excited when we brought Rudy home as a puppy several months later. While it was time for Anna to leave us, it is sad to let go. She will be missed.

When I walked out of my house this morning I noticed the van next door was gone. They would be there. I wasn't going to let that stop me from being there to honor my great aunt and support my family though. When I arrived at the funeral home, I was a bit on edge. I felt bad about anyone choosing to sit with me, afraid that doing so would result in bad feelings towards them as well. I sat between my parents and my cousin. I felt like I was receiving the look of death from behind me the whole time. My youngest niece was with them (about 10 months). I didn't even know her hair now had a red hue to it, since it's been so many months since I've seen her.

The hardest part came after the funeral. Most of us went to a buffet to eat together (niether of my parents were able to come, because of work). They went and got the other 3 children before coming to eat. It was clear that the kids are not allowed to talk to me or acknowledge me. I'm sure this was done to prove a point - that she is in control and will keep me out of her children's lives. It hurts to be in the same room with them and not be able to hug them and tell them I love them. It bothers me to see my brother go along with this rule of not allowing them to speak to me. I'm their aunt and I love them. I can deal with their mother hating me, but I wish it didn't have to affect my relationship with the kids.

One thing that was good about this week, was being able to tell my Mamaw that we are having a healthy little girl. That really helped her have something positive to focus on at a painful time. She always hopes for girls, though she loves the boys just as much.

Brooklynn and I are doing well. The reflux is getting pretty bad, but I'll manage. It's definitely for a great cause and a healthy baby is well worth any discomfort of pregnancy. I love feeling her move all day long, and now I'm listening to her as well, since my Aunt Vicki bought me one of those Bebe sounds prenatal listener things. It works surprisingly well for me. Brooklynn never stops kicking it seems. I usually don't go more than 15 minutes without feeling her. I love it!