So much to say

I've so much to say, but cannot find the right words to truly convey my feelings which have been at war all week within me. Ultimately I know I have made the right choice (for now) to re-home Rudy with my parents. I know that if I did nothing, and something more happened - to B or to Rudy at the hands of the other - that I'd never forgive myself. John would probably kill Rudy if he drew blood, and thankfully he didn't last week. I know this is best for all of us.

It is terribly hard to hear B say "Where's Rudy?" and when I tell her, "Go get him." Or last night, "Is Rudy coming home?" My voice catches in my throat when I go to call my dogs in, and always start with "Ru...." The dogs were barking and I hear John say "Rudy shut up!" Its painful. My heart hurt when my dad told me that when I walked in the door was the first time Rudy had wagged his tail all day. Tears welled up when Barb and Amy told me he cried for an hour after visiting him over there - as if he was mourning.

This is not easy for me. I know for some pet owners it would be. I did what I believed had to be done, but it is not easy. I do have regrets and I will bear that burden for awhile, if not for the rest of Rudy's life. If we don't have another baby soon, perhaps Rudy will come back home when B is older and understands. Maybe...I don't know what the future holds, but I know that a little red dog, who is now gray, will always hold part of my heart for as long as I live. He really is like my first-born.