I'm still her security.

My Busy B and I were very bonded in our early days. It was never in question. I was tops on her list. She not only needed me, but she wanted me too. As an employed mother who has family watching her little one, this did my heart good. It may seem silly, but you know at the back of my mind, I always feared that because I worked, she'd grow to prefer my in-laws. To be brutally honest, that concern almost certainly played a factor (at least subconciously) in some of my attachment style parenting choices. I'm not saying I only nursed her 23+ months or co-slept because of my fear of losing her love, I'm just saying it surely played a role. To deny that would be lying to myself.

Lately, my baby is growing up. She doesn't need me the way she used to. When she's in trouble with me or unhappy with me, she's calling for mam and pap or mamaw and papaw. I'm not clearly the top of her list anymore. She calls me just "mom" sometimes. She's always testing me. She can be good all day for her grandparents and then BAM! I'm there and she's sporting a snotty attitude. I try to not take it personally, but somedays are better than others. Sometimes, I feel like my busy B is no longer mine.

Last night as we were well into our 8th hour on the road in a single day, Brooklynn reached her limit. She was exhausted. She was tired of sitting in her car seat. She was done with being in the car. She cried, oh she cried. "Mommy hold me." she sobbed. "Mommy I want to be home. Mommy hold me now!"

I couldn't hold her. I was driving. She needed me though. My heart just about broke. I drove with my left hand and stretched my right as far back as it would go and held my little girl's hand as she cried. She relaxed. She clung onto me. I'm still her security, I'm still what she needs. Twenty minutes and one painful shoulder later, and she was finally asleep. As I held that little hand, and felt her let go, I remembered - She's what I need too.