Gosh I hate this. I'm just going to lay it out there anyways because I need to.
Not that it matters, not that it means anything, but I feel like this is it. It's not any one thing I can pinpoint, it is just an overall feeling. Which is stupid. So stupid. I probably just have a mild case of ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome that is playing tricks on me. How many times have I been in this 2ww? Something like 45 times this go around alone trying for kid 2. How many times has my heart been crushed by the force at the stop of this TTC rollercoaster? Why do I let myself feel anymore?
The worst of it is that if this isn't it, I don't know if I can gear up to try again. I will be staring at a pregnant woman sitting right outside my office door every single weekday for months. A pregnant woman who is nearly 35, morbidly obese, diabetic with a history of premature birth and NICU stays - she gets pregnant, but this 34 year old, overweight but healthy according to all my tests and bloodwork woman can't? I'm judging, because I'm jealous, so jealous I can hardly see straight. I hate it, but I can't seem to make the thoughts stop. I can conjure up some joy for her, but the green haze soon creeps back over me.
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This blog started out focused on my TTC Journey(trying to conceive) with our first child. We succeeded and I blogged my way through pregnancy and I've been blogging about motherhood and life in general since then. I'm sharing my innermost thoughts here along with notes on day to day life. One day I know my written words will mean a lot to me when these days are but a memory. I've come full circle and now I'm back on the TTC rollercoaster again, hoping for a second baby someday soon.
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- Krista
- I'm just your average 33 year old married chick. My husband and I were married 13+ years ago and we have an amazing daughter, Brooklynn, who was born in December 2006. I work full time outside the home, but I love spending time with my friends and family more than anything. We have 3 dachshunds a rabbit and some fish in our little family. I'm also a research nerd and read way more non-fiction than can possibly be healthy in my quests for new information.
2 comments:
I'm getting that feeling for u too. Its the whole lefty joining in full force this time. I believe its a sign as well as you having that feeling. You don't usually have it, or let on that u do anyway... FX
I pray this is it! I am always praying & excited. Super-happy lefty decided to get busy!
AS for the jealousy, I think that's only natural. Hang in there babe!! It's not that you don't want her to have a baby...you are a sweet person with a sweet heart...you just want your own dreams to come true!
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