Working Girl

The last two weekends, as the weather has been warmer, I have really appreciated the difference from this time last year. While it is true, that I didn't work near the hours I did before having a baby, the stress level did not decrease for me during tax season. By now, as it is near the end of the season, I would have likely been working Saturdays. Granted, I worked 3 Saturdays in January here at the new job, but it was cold then. Somehow, it feels different.

I feel both more involved and informed about management decisions with my new job, and yet less attached to it at the same time. I don't spend time stressing about my work when I'm at home. I don't feel guilty when I'm at home and not at work. I feel productive and appreciated most of the time. It is a good thing for me.

One thing that is still the same, is that I still work full time and I still feel guilty about making time for myself away from my child and/or spouse. It is very hard for me to let go of any time that I am available to be with Busy B. It bothers me to leave her with my parents so I can have a productive trip to the grocery store. I find myself not wanting to go on dates with John because it means leaving her behind. I don't go on nights/days out with girlfriends either.

Now some of you have that alone time every night when your kids go to sleep. Some of you have that time all alone, or with your spouse. It is time to treasure. I don't have that - or at least I rarely do. My kid's clock is set firmly so that bedtime is near 10pm. She will not sleep before then on a regular basis. Nap or not, rising early or not, bath or not, reading or not, movie or not, singing or not. I've tried it all but CIO alone, and that I will not do. By the time she is asleep, so am I. My time as just being me completely consists of my hours at work.

Last night was one of those rare nights where she was alseep at 10pm and I was actually awake. John was asleep too. I flipped the TV on gleefully, thinking I could actually watch "Brothers and Sisters" in peace while finishing the laundry I was so behind on. I turned the channel and it is Jamie Oliver. Boo. Not what I wanted to watch. So much for "me time." I'm beginning to think "me time" is a myth.