The number of pregnant people around me grows. I can be happy for some. I can be happy for those who truly love and support their children. I can be happy for those who can afford to pay for their kids needs without my tax dollars. I can be happy for those who respect the miracle of life for what it is and understand that they are blessed. I cannot be happy about some of the pregnancies in my circle right now.
My friend who cannot see that I'm hurting and be a bit sensitive, despite the fact she knows of my battle with infertility, that one is a struggle sometimes. My unmarried cousin who will surely be on welfare...not feeling any joy there. The twisting, stabbing knife to my gut though? That is being told at our family Christmas yesterday that my brother and wife are expecting kid #6. It felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. It was like I was outside of my body watching myself in slow motion. I stumbled to find some appropriate words and remain upright, but inside I was screaming "NOOOooooooooOOOOoooooooo!" and sinking to my knees.
Yes, though some of their kids seem completely unloved and treated unfairly, they are having MORE. Yes, though they acted as if #1 and #5 were complete accidents, they are now pregnant with a sixth. Yes, this is twice now that I have heard this news during my journey to conceive a second child, and yes, she was also pregnant when we were trying for B. This is a repeat, but this time the pain is much, much greater.
I locked myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes, trying to compose myself. I plastered some blank look on my face and attempted to act normally until I could leave. Leaving meant tearing my daughter away from her beloved cousins, so I stayed and loved on those kids until I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take looking at her and I couldn't stand hearing her treat her firstborn like a second-class citizen. I have no respect for them. None.
To see them blessed with life over and over, when they don't cherish the gift, it sucks. The water is rising and I'm sinking and there is nothing I can do about it.
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This blog started out focused on my TTC Journey(trying to conceive) with our first child. We succeeded and I blogged my way through pregnancy and I've been blogging about motherhood and life in general since then. I'm sharing my innermost thoughts here along with notes on day to day life. One day I know my written words will mean a lot to me when these days are but a memory. I've come full circle and now I'm back on the TTC rollercoaster again, hoping for a second baby someday soon.
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- Krista
- I'm just your average 33 year old married chick. My husband and I were married 13+ years ago and we have an amazing daughter, Brooklynn, who was born in December 2006. I work full time outside the home, but I love spending time with my friends and family more than anything. We have 3 dachshunds a rabbit and some fish in our little family. I'm also a research nerd and read way more non-fiction than can possibly be healthy in my quests for new information.
3 comments:
Oh Krista I am so sorry =( I can't begin to know the pain you feel but know that I am covering you in prayer right now and will continue to pray that God would show up for you in amazing ways and give you that gift that you so deeply desire! Love you girl
love you Kris. I'm so sorry. I had no idea there was a 6 on the way. I can't say I know exactly how you feel so I won't say that but it HAS to be terrible! I think that you and dh and busy b are such a great family...and when B is all grown up she's going to be well adjusted and happy.
Im so sorry Krista :(
HUGS
Jen & the Crew
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